I'm so thankful that the moments of missing Allen are fewer and farther between. While I do still miss him, the pain is not something I have to focus on forgetting every day. Time does heal.
However, there are still times when the pain of missing him grips me so much that it physically hurts. I felt this again on my way home Saturday evening. Maybe it was driving down the familiar rode we always took to his parents. Maybe it was spending the evening with my friend, the one I always spent time dreaming of a family with. I'm not sure what brought the grief on, but it was there. Grief for what was and what could have been.
I believe that a part of me will always love him because I gave a piece of myself to him. While I wish with everything in me that things had gone differently, I now know that there's nothing I could have done to change this outcome. That part was up to him.
I wonder if he still thinks of me. I wonder if he regrets the choices he made, and the ones he should have made, but didn't.
I wish that I could talk to him or see him again if only for a moment, but I know that's not what is best for either one of us. Even though he made mistakes, Allen was a good person. I just wish that he had loved me more than the sin he was in.
I'm choosing to believe that God has a new dream for me now, one that has been crafted in His hands. I know He is making beauty from these ashes.
4 comments:
Tammy, I know you're sad because you loved Allen so much. God does have a new dream for you, and that's why Allen is no longer in your life; because you listened to God. All that has happened to us prepares us for the future. He has a plan for you, and I know you're preparing for it or in the midst. You're a strong, loving, wonderful person.
Tammy, I can't imagine how you feel and I won't try to. All I can say is that I am inspired by this road you have walked and the way you have chosen to always follow God. He will honor that in His own time and in His own way. Like a parent watching a child take their first steps, God delights in the steps you have taken. I love you dear and can't wait to see what God has for you. I plan on snagging a front row seat!
I'm so sorry that you had a hard night. Waiting on God can be so frustrating and lonely. Remember the footprints poem- that one set of footprints is not you alone, but God carrying you. He is doing just that. He is there, He has a plan, and He will follow through. I know you know this, but it doesn't hurt to be reminded of it now and again. I love you and I'm with Kelly and Jen, I can't wait to see His plan for your life unfold b/c you are such a wonderful child of God and I know it's going to be amazing!
I'm blessed with such amazing friends! Thank you, Girls, for loving and supporting me! I don't deserve you.
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