It's been nearly 5 years since I last posted here. 5 years ago I was grieving the loss of my precious Grana. I don't even feel like I've recovered from that, and now here I am trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and figure out how to live without my mom. I know I need a place to record my feelings, thoughts, and healing throughout this journey. I've been avoiding it because it's hard work to reflect and take captive ugly thoughts and to carry on. Up until now, the simple
act deliberate choice of living has taken all the energy I have. God has reminded me countless numbers of times that He's not finished with me yet. He's given me breath to breathe at this very moment because He still has more for me to do. To be honest, I've been mad at Him for that. I don't want to figure out life without mom. We talked everyday, multiple times a day, and I never went more than a day or two without seeing her. Even as an adult, she took care of her girls. She made it her mission to take care of and serve all of her family. To say that I feel lost without her would be a huge understatement. Life has felt empty and grey and foggy and sad and lonely and hopeless. Even the moments of happiness have included sadness. She was the heartbeat of my family, God's greatest gift to each of us. It seems to unfair that He took her.
I've been asking myself when I'll stop whining about that. I know that God is sovereign and that His ways are always higher than mine. His plans and His timing are perfect. I know that to core of my being, but it's still so hard to understand or wrap my head and heart around. Sometimes I've felt like a spoiled toddler. Stomping my foot on the ground, saying, "No! I won't do this without her! It's not fair! I shouldn't have to!" No, life certainly isn't fair. Everyone can attest to that.
BUT, God is always faithful. God is always there
Loving me unconditionally.
Holding me up when I can't stand.
Walking with me one step at a time.
He loves me when I'm mad at Him.
He loves me when I question Him.
He loves me when I struggle to trust Him.
He still speaks to me, even when I've distanced myself from Him.
I'll never forget the words he so plainly spoke to my heart in August. It was the second week of the Daniel Fast and finding the will to live was a daily struggle. The oppression of the enemy was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. The hectic, busyness of the school day was a gift because it left me no time to think about little else. But, when I got home the darkness settled in. I remember one night in particular. I came home after school and sat down in my oversized chair just to take off my shoes. I have no idea how long I been there, but when I finally "came to" I was sitting in total darkness. The sun had gone down, no lights were on, no TV was on, everything was black. A perfect reflection of what I felt on the inside. Before I got up to get ready for bed I saw the sign on my wall that Mom had got for me. It said, "The best is yet to come." It was mocking me. She was the very best part of my life. How in the world would anything be good again, never the less be the best ever? No, I was convinced any good in my life was over and done with. Then, as I went in to wash my face, in front of my bathroom mirror, I heard God speak to my heart. It wasn't an audible voice or anything like that, but it was clear. He said, "I came so you could have life ABUNDANTLY. I am the reason the best is still yet to come." In that moment, peace flooded my heart and I had an assurance deep down inside that things would one day be ok. They'll be different, but there will still be good.