Remembering, but Not Missing

It's weird how the mind works. Sometimes the weirdest things can trigger old, not often thought about memories. When I think about it, though, I guess it's not that strange. For the past couple of days a common topic of conversation among friends and family has been marriage. Knowing this, I guess it's only natural that I would be reflecting on my own short (16 month) marriage. While my friends and family were talking about their experiences (good and bad), I couldn't help but feel relieved that I was no longer married. If you've known me at all these past 4 years, you know how absolutely crazy that sounds! I've grieved for what I lost for so long! But, time does heal all things, and with healing, I'm beginning to remember the truth of what my marriage really was. And let me tell you, the memories are not pretty.

I remember the many, many lies. Lying even when I had evidence of the truth!

I remember dreading coming home from work because I feared discovering the truth about something else.

I remember feeling like the only adult in the relationship and having to handle all major decisions on my own.

I remember being yelled at when I confronted him.

I remember the intense fear I felt when he would lose his temper because I'd caught him in another lie.

I remember how I labored to breathe during one of the many asthma attacks when he lost his temper. I remember how afraid I was when he wouldn't leave me alone.

I remember all the times I tried to get away from him when he was mad. I remember the shoving. I remember all the times I was pinned against the wall. I remember all the time I was trapped inside the house not allowed to leave. I remember the 2 times I actually managed to get away. He chased me outside, beating on the car windows, yelling at me and following me while I backed out.

I remember all the times I cried myself to sleep, feeling unwanted and undesirable.

I remember the feeling of loneliness. (Loneliness that exceeds anything I've experienced in these past 4 years.)

I remember being numb.

I remember the feeling of hopelessness.

I remember all the effort and fight it took to put one foot in front of the other.

I remember putting on a mask to hide all that was going on.


This is the first time I've been able to remember some of this since it happened. I guess my mind suppressed the most painful memories. It has to be a sign of healing and that I'm getting stronger, if my brain is allowing me to remember them again, right? Remembering is painful, but I never want to forget. I'm reminded of the words to a song a dear friend introduced me to: "Lord, heal the wound, but leave the scar. A reminder of how merciful you are." Not only did He save me, He has healed me, too!

While my situation ended sadly, I know that God created and intended marriage to be good. After all, he created Eve for Adam. I'm not kidding myself. I know that if and when I marry again, it will be difficult. I know there will probably be some things I have to work through. However, I'm confident of one thing. It will not be something I take for granted. I think everything I've gone through will give me a deep appreciation of a healthy relationship. Healthy, not perfect.