I don't even know what to call this post. I'm not even sure if I'll post it. I just needed to try and work out what I'm feeling.
I thought I was past days like this. I thought I was past asking questions like, "why?", and "when?". I feel like I've prayed for the same thing over and over. It seems unlikely that I was meant to live my life as a single adult. If that is true, why did God put such a strong desire in my heart to be married and have a family? It's been 2 years since I truly surrendered and finally walked away from the man that I loved. While Satan tries to confuse me, I have NO doubt this is what God wanted me to do. (I know that doesn't sound right. God hates divorces. But, God loves me and knew what had to be done.) There were days I felt like I was dying inside, but I was obedient.
I know God has plans for me. Most days I believe those plans include marriage and a family. But, the clock is ticking, and I'm not getting any younger. Why the wait? Am I not ready? Is there something more I should be learning from this time alone? Should I be doing more for others since I have no one at home to care for? As self-consumed as this post may seem, I have prayed over and over, that God would take away any of my heart's desires that don't match up with His. While I'm waiting, I'm still serving and praising God, but every now and then a day like this comes along like this when I feel so alone that my heart aches.
I know I have so much to be thankful for. I have a large, wonderful, supportive family, and my friends are the most precious in the world. But, they all have lives of their own. They should be living them without someone else tagging along.
I'm thankful for all the blessings that being single offers. (Coming and going as I please, not having to cook if I don't feel like, watching whatever I want on TV, sleeping in the middle of the bed, not having to clean house as often because only 1 person lives here) But, being single offers some challenges, too. (Coming home to an empty house, not having anyone to share your day with, grocery shopping and cooking for 1, not having anyone to hold you when you've encountered a "mean girl" at work, not having anyone to take care of)
All I want is for God to make me OK with whatever plans He has for me. He alone knows what's best. I know that. The waiting is hard. Whether it's waiting for Him to bring me together with that special someone or waiting for Him to change my heart. Hmm. Waiting. That's what I should call this. I am going to post this because I believe that one day the waiting (either way) will be over and reading where God brought me from will remind of His faithfulness.
