Well, I've finally lost it

That's right.  Just call me Humpty-Dumpty because today I cracked like an egg. (Warning: The rest of this will not be pretty.  It's going to show just how human and flawed I really am.  It's just plain ugly!)

I knew it was coming.  I could feel it building for the past two weeks.  Plus, it's always a sign that I'm dealing (or maybe I should say running) from something when I stop blogging.  It's like I'm unable to stop and process all that's going through my mind.

Before I work this all out for myself, I have to start by saying I know there are many, many, MANY more of you out there busier, more tired, and more stressed out than I am or ever will be.  I really have nothing to complain about.

I started this school year determined to make it one of the best ever.  Really, I did.  Boy, has Satan has been there at every turn to challenge this.  This is the absolute hardest class I've ever tried to manage.  They are all sweethearts, but I'm still working on getting them to follow directions and work independently.  I never sit at my desk and let them work, they won't let me.  They are constantly needing/wanting my attention like no other class I've had before.  Essentially, this is a good thing.  They just want to share with me, and it's really hard for me to send them away.  I feel terrible for doing it, but if I don't, we'll never get anything accomplished!  It's my fault, really.  I've not done a good job of setting the boundary.  I know that many of them don't get a lot of attention at home, so I spend most of my free time talking with them.  It can be draining, though.  There isn't a moment where one of them isn't interrupting what I'm saying or thinking.  Seriously, there is usually a swarm of 7 kids following me wherever I go. It takes a lot of patience.  (I know every mom in the world can relate to this!)  

I also started this school year determined to keep living and being more spontaneous.  Well, I've accomplished it, but I threw all sense of balance out the window in the mean time.  So, now I feel like I'm never at home and behind on things that need to be done there!

As much as I hate it, I'm one of those people that just has to have a little bit of time to myself at home.  I hate it!  It makes me feel so selfish, but really it's the only way I can unwind, clear my mind, and recharge.  When I was determined to be more spontaneous, I totally forgot about this very significant detail of me, and that's added more stress.

I've felt like I've been walking around with my nerves just exposed and my mind running 100 miles a minute, to the point that even when I am home and not grading papers, emailing parents, catching up on laundry or cleaning, I just can't unwind.  Someone, please just stop the world.  I just need a moment to catch my breath.

I was so looking forward to riding today.  It is such a stress reliever.  I was just going to go, soak up the sun and this beautiful, fall weather and just chill out.  While it was that way for most of the ride, it quickly went south towards the end.  You see, I spend the ride worrying about how sore Stormy was acting (he's just gotten new shoes), worrying about keeping up, worrying about the teeny, tiny bit of correction Stormy needed until I just snapped.  Seriously, it was like a rubber band that had been stretched and stretched and stretched and then it just broke.  I snapped.  I stopped Stormy and got off right then and there and informed everyone I was done.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I just wanted to walk and let my mind go blank.  I was not getting back on.  I couldn't.  I wouldn't.  After a few choice words from those I was riding with, I got back on and all of it just came spilling out of me.  I cried all the way back to the trailer.  I had just dumped on my family and felt terrible about it.  I felt terrible about how all about me I had become.  I felt terrible for feeling so stressed and tired for no real reasons.  I felt terrible because after blowing up and crying my eyes out, I was less tense and stressed than I've been in two weeks.

Lessons I've learned from these past two weeks?  #1-when I'm feeling this strung out, I probably shouldn't torture others with my presence.  #2 - as sad as it makes me, I have to take some time for myself.  #3-when I feel like crying I just need to let it out and not hold it in because it will come out and probably at a time it shouldn't.  Most importantly #4-I have to get back to starting my day with the Lord.  Time in His presence puts everything in the right perspective.

If you're one of those people I've dumped on or snapped at lately, please forgive me.  I'm not sure why, but I was on overload.  I promise I'm working on it.