Laying it Down (again)

I thought I had done this already.  I thought I was living in total surrender.  But, little by little, I've picked back up those things that I had, at one time, laid down.  It was such a gradual thing, I didn't even notice that I had reclaimed them as "mine".  Now that I know, it makes total sense.  I've been pretty self absorbed and discontented lately.  It took a meltdown this week, Godly words of wisdom from friends and family, and a timely message preached at church just this morning to open my blinded eyes.  I'm not proud of how I've felt, but I'm going to write about these very raw emotions anyway.  I want this to be a reminder so that I'm not so easily deceived in the future. 

If you know me at all, you know that there are only two things I wanted when I "grew up".  I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to have a family.  This is my 10th year of teaching.  TEN - WOW!  While there are times of struggle, it's still a job ministry I'm passionate about.  The whole "having a family" of my own is where my hang-ups start.  This has been a rocky road, one that I certainly don't understand.  Right after I was divorced, I knew with every fiber of my being that God told me in order to heal I needed to close the door and move on.  I love the Lord and wanted to be obedient, but have realized this week that sometimes fear is what kept me obedient.  I was afraid that if I wasn't, I would miss out on something God had planned for me.  I was afraid God would punish me by taking away the possibility of a future family.  While I certainly believe that there are blessings that come from obedience, God is good and knows and wants what's best for me.  He is a loving father, not a distant ruler eager to hand out punishment.

This week I was tempted with something.  Something that I was sure was the answer to all my problems.  In my moment of selfishness and weakness, I was convinced God had forgotten about me.  I did not understand why he was not giving me something that seemed so simple.  This was so heavy on my heart that a return phone call to a friend turned in to a full confession and cry for help.  God used her in such a powerful way!  In divine wisdom, she compared what I was going through with the temptation Eve was presented with in the Garden of Eden.  Satan wanted Eve to think that God was holding out on her.  He told her that if she ate the apple, she'd have everything she'd ever want.  This is SO the same lie he was telling me, with what I'm sure would have been another disastrous outcome.  Thank you, Friend, for allowing God to work through you.  You delivered encouragement and love that I know came straight from Him!

I arrived at my mom's shortly after this phone call.  While I try to keep these moments of weakness from her, because I don't want her to worry any more than she already does, the emotion was too fresh to ignore.  She too delivered timely, powerful words.  Some that I didn't want to hear, but those are the exact ones that began opening my heart for what I heard today.  Thanks, Mom, for praying for me and encouraging me with your words of truth and hope.

Today's message was about the Triumphal Entry.  I was eager to hear what God had prepared Pastor John to share, but would have never expected it to have been such a direct message to me.  While I'm only going to share the part that tore down the walls in my heart, you should really get on iTunes and listen to the whole thing. (James River Assembly - Triumphal Entry 3/28/10)

Here's the truth I needed to hear: It is not wrong to ask God for things.  But, in asking, there needs to be recognition of His sovereignty and power.  It's not about me, but about bowing my knee, laying down my life in surrender and worship to HIM.  When we lay down our life, we truly find it.

I'm so embarrassed about my selfishness.  I'm so embarrassed that I could actually think that God forgot about me, just because he didn't bless me in the way I had hoped.  Out of love for us, He gave up His life and was in total control of all the events surrounding his death.  No one took Jesus' life! He was in control of His death and He is in control of my life, no matter how things might appear.

Jesus, all I have is yours.  All my hopes and fears, every piece of my life!  I want you for who You are!     Forgive me for believing the lies and for taking my eyes off of you.  Forgive me for allowing my faith to be shaken.  While words fail me in this moment, but I'm so thankful that you can see my heart and that you know exactly what I'm feeling and thinking and that you know that you have all of me!